


Too

by ivy_thalassa



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Depression, TW: negative body image, elain archeron is in this but has a minor role so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivy_thalassa/pseuds/ivy_thalassa
Summary: Maybe Nesta is too much for this world. Maybe this world is too much for Nesta.
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Too

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression, suicidal thoughts, negative body image, negative self talk, eating disorders, body dismorphia, bad parenting, misogyny  
> ((triggers list is long because I wanted to be on the safe side))  
> ______  
> Ok, so. Shoutout to my beta reader Miri for hyping me up for this one.  
> This was inspired by prompts & also by a few other things that I referenced, which I'll list in the end notes.  
> The prompts:  
> \- "because I love you"  
> \- "You're not you"  
> \- "I haven't seen her/him/them smile in months"  
> Enjoy! Please leave a comment letting me know what you think

Silver flames had once danced in her eyes. 

Now, they had turned to dull metal, surrounding the blue waters of her eyes. 

Perhaps they reflected the Cauldron — that beast that had consumed her whole and killed her, but had not even granted her the mercy of death. No, it had turned her into a beast herself and had spat her out, forcing her to live an eternity in someone else’s body. Yes, her eyes were the Cauldron — that would be exactly the kind of cruel joke that it would enjoy. 

Her existence was a joke. 

She felt too much and then nothing at all. She burned too brightly, too fiercely and then was too tired to even get out of bed. They criticized her for being too much, for not being enough, for speaking, for remaining silent, for being too carefree, for being too uptight. 

Fuck all of them.

She was free now. She had descended low enough that none of them cared about her anymore. She had pushed and pushed and pushed them all away. 

Good. 

Too bad she had to destroy herself to do so. Too bad she was stuck with herself. Too bad she could never escape. 

She liked to spend her nights drunk and with a random male, hoping she could feel _something_. Although liked was a strong word. No, it was more that in the cover of the dark, her desire to fill her empty shell with some emotion became too overwhelming. By morning, she’d regret it, of course. It gave her a strange sort of pleasure to use herself like this. To hurt herself over and over with those nameless, meaningless males. Perhaps it was that she could destroy this body, which was not hers. She knew that they all thought it was better — that she should appreciate her newfound immortality, longer limbs, sharper cheekbones, and heightened senses. 

She knew the truth. This was not, and would never be, her body. 

She had never appreciated her body while she had it. She hated that she was born a woman and would have to fight to be allowed to travel the world. She hated that she was to be married off to the highest bidder. She hated that her hands were useless and that she couldn’t help sustain her family. 

Now, she couldn’t look into a mirror without getting nauseous. Everything in her screamed that it was _wrong_. Even though she covered her pointed ears with her hair, she couldn’t ignore her too-long limbs. She numbed her senses as best she could but it still continued — the pounding beat of hearts, the pungent scents, the intuitive knowledge that gathered in her gut. 

One night, before he too had completely given up on her, Cassian had stopped by. He told her he wanted to talk, but noticed how drunk she was. She had only stared back at him silently, unable to think of any words she wished to say to him. She could still remember the disgusted expression on his face as he turned away, gritted his teeth and mumbled, **“You’re not you”**. 

How ironic. She hadn’t been herself since the war, since she’d become fae, and perhaps even before that, when her mother had explained how unladylike it was for her to yell or run or even stay up late reading. She had trapped her true self by building so many walls, she no longer knew how to get out. Hell, she no longer knew who her ‘true self’ was anyway. 

If she had lost her personality and her body, what was left? 

Her mind? Her heart? 

She snorted to herself. She was heartless, as so many people had screamed at her — her sister, her fiancé, her… Cassian. As for her mind, well. Most days it just bothered her with intrusive thoughts. She was better off without it.

The world was better off without Nesta Archeron. 

It was a truth she arrived at irrevocably. Whatever bits of herself remained only served to drag her sisters down. 

It would have been better if she had just died in that Cauldron and never crawled out. 

* * *

Cassian tried not to fidget as Mor laughed at something Rhys said. Everything should have been perfect — it was another one of those dinner parties with only those whom Cassian cared about. There were no diplomatic relations to consider, only good times to be had as he ate with Az, Mor, Rhys, Feyre, Amren and Elain. After all the time he had spent during Amarantha’s reign, longing for Rhys’ return, Cassian really should have been more appreciative of the simple fact that they were all here. 

Except they weren’t _all_ here. 

It seemed that everyone else didn’t even notice or care that Nesta was absent. To be fair, Nesta was almost always absent from these dinner parties, even if she was invited. Nesta’s presence caused arguments and tension but still, Cassian couldn’t help but feel that she should be here. 

As if reading his thoughts, Elain, who was seated directly across the table from him, asked quietly, “Have you seen her recently?”

Cassian took a sip from his cup. “Not too recently, no. Last time I went… well. I don’t think she wanted me to be there.”

He glanced sideways and checked that Rhys, Mor, Feyre and Amren were still animatedly conversing. He felt a strange relief that they were not paying any attention to his conversation with Elain. There was no real reason to feel guilty for speaking to Elain about Nesta, but he knew that a part of him didn’t want Rhys and Mor and Feyre to join the conversation. He didn’t want to have to listen to them complain about her. He didn’t want to have to defend her after she had hurt him, again, but he also didn’t want to listen to them as they pretended as if they had attempted to help her when he knew for a fact that none of them even tried to understand how she was doing.

“Is she okay?” Elain continued in her hushed tone.

Cassian shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. She’s… no. But I don’t think it helps when I try to visit her. Last time…” He sighed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that quiet. It felt wrong. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable like that again.”

She blinked at him. “Maybe she misses you.”

He gave her a sad smile. “I doubt that.”

Elain shot a glance at the Inner Circle. “You know, when we were very young, Mother always scolded Nesta because she was too loud.” Elain’s eyes were wistful. “Nesta loved to talk for hours and hours about the books she was reading. Mother said it wasn’t ladylike and that Nesta needed to stay grounded in reality, but Nesta would still tell me all the stories. And she used to laugh so loudly, she’d make everyone else in the room laugh too. Mother obviously hated that, but Father loved it.” 

Elain looked down at her plate. “I miss her laugh.”

Cassian didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to think about when Nesta’s spirit had been crushed. Perhaps that wild child still remained but was hidden away. Too bad he had never gotten to meet her.

“Have you ever heard it?” Elain asked suddenly, after a few moments of silence. “Her laugh?”

Cassian shook his head, his shoulders slumping. “No, I haven’t even seen her smile in months.”

Elain peered at him for a few moments, evaluating him quietly. “I don’t think… no,” she mumbled, nodding to herself.

“You’ve never seen her real smile,” Elain declared, her voice uncharacteristically resolute. “You’d know if you had. Her smile is like the sun. It lights up not only her face, but her whole world.” 

Cassian didn’t need to ask what Elain meant by ‘her whole world’. Nesta wasn’t generous with her affection. She didn’t smile at the people she passed on the street or try to make strangers comfortable. But for those she did care about, she would move mountains and part oceans. 

He liked to think that he could be on that short list. 

Perhaps then, he’d be able to have the honor of seeing her _really_ smile someday. 

* * *

“Why are you here?”

“Because I love you.” The words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them. He attempted an over-exaggerated grin to act as though it was a joke, but he dropped it quickly. It was the truth and there was no one here to judge besides her. She may shatter his heart, but it was only ever hers to shatter anyway. 

Nesta raised an eyebrow. “I’m unloveable, remember?” 

Her voice was bitter and hoarse. Cassian would never know that they were the first words she’d said in days. 

Emotions crossed his face in rapid succession — confusion, shock, guilt, anger, regret, sadness, hesitance.

“I’m sorry about what I said,” Cassian’s voice was heavy. “I was wrong.”

“No, that’s the thing.” Nesta’s laugh was harsh and brittle. “You were right. I don’t understand how my sisters can love me either.”

Her eyes slide behind the doorway of her house where Cassian stood and rested on the darkness of the night. “It’s a force of habit, I suppose,” Nesta mused, “due to the blood and the bed we once shared.” 

Her eyes moved back to Cassian’s figure. “They’ll outgrow it soon enough, I’m sure.”

“No, they won’t,” Cassian interjected. “They- You can’t outgrow love. And I was wrong. I do understand how they love you because I love you.” 

It was better to get it all out in the open, Cassian told himself as he declared his affection for the second time.

Nesta scoffed. “Attraction isn’t love.”

Cassian opened his mouth to answer but Nesta continued, “and neither is some _fated_ connection or bond.” 

His eyes widened but his mouth snapped shut. 

“The Cauldron,” she growled out the word Cauldron as if it were a swear word, “doesn’t decide love.”

“The bond isn’t why I love you.” It felt surreal to be acknowledging both the bond and the feelings between them. “And as beautiful as you are,” Cassian’s eyes swept up and down her figure once for good measure, “that isn’t why I love you either.”

“What, are you going to pretend like you love my personality?” Nesta said, an ironic laugh at the back of her throat. “There’s certainly nothing to love there. No one likes my personality, not even me.”

“Nesta, I love your strength-”

“My strength? I have no strength, Cassian. Look at me.”

He looked at her. Beyond her beauty, her cheeks were too sunken and pale. Her muscles were too thin for a High Fae. Her bones were jutting out in places and dark circles lined her eyes. 

“I’m broken, Cassian.” Her voice was factual. There was no sadness in her tone. 

“No, Nesta, you’re not… Nesta, I know you’re going through a lot right now but you’re still the fierce, strong, passionate, secretly caring Nesta I know and love. You’re the Nesta who reads smut and tries to keep a straight face when I ask you what I’m reading. You’re the Nesta who took care of Elain in the House of Wind. You’re the Nesta who stood up to the High Lords for a cause you believed in. You’re the Nesta that was with me on the battlefield.” His voice dropped to a whisper at the end.

Nesta’s eyes flickered with emotion but her voice was robotic as she replied, “No, I’m not. That Nesta died a long time ago. I’m the Nesta who drinks and fucks and cusses. I don’t talk to my sisters or fight for anything or care for anyone. I wake up each morning and lay in bed, wondering why the world decided to torture me by giving me another day of this painful existence.” 

Her voice dropped to a whisper as well. “I don’t want to read or talk or eat or even move. I’m just so tired.”

Cassian felt as though someone was squeezing his heart. Why hadn’t he come sooner? “Okay. Maybe right now, you’re just a tired Fae. But you know what Nesta? I love you anyway.”

“But why?” Her voice was demanding yet also sounded genuinely confused. Cassian often forgot how young the Archeron sisters were, but in moments like these, he remembered.

“Love doesn’t need a reason,” he said, “but if you need to know, I love you for all of it. Your pretty and your ugly, your ups and your downs, it’s all part of you and I love you. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I’ve been lost and so tired before. You said that you aren’t strong, but even the fact that you’re still here proves how strong you are.”

A tear ran down her cheek and she seemed to crumple into herself. 

Cassian stretches out his arms, offering to support her weight but not wanting to overstep her boundaries. She leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around her.

“I’m so tired.”

“I know sweetheart.”

“And it _hurts_. It hurts so bad,” Nesta sobbed. “Why is it so loud? I can’t- I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

He had no idea what she was talking about, but he rubbed her back gently, trying to soothe her.

“Why is it so bright? Why does everything smell so much? Even the people! It’s so much. Too much,” Nesta cried, one of her hands moving to clutch the side of her head. 

Cassian swore at himself. He’d never even considered how it would feel to suddenly gain fae senses after living as a human. No wonder she was so overwhelmed.

He just closed his eyes and held her slightly tighter. 

She cried.

“I don’t know what to do or how to live like this,” she whispered after some time had passed— perhaps seconds, perhaps hours. “I’m so tired, Cassian.”

Her eyes were shut, too.

“I know,” he murmured. Her arms moved to embrace him back. “I’m here, Nes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Other inspirations that I referenced in the fic:  
> \- ch 18 of Renegade Nights (an amazing Nessian fic): referenced in the last line of the 1st scene  
> \- The Selection series by Kiera Cass: referenced in the last line of the 1st non-dialogue paragraph in the 3rd scene  
> \- pov by Ariana Grande: referenced in Cassian's dialogue near the end of the 3rd scene  
> __________  
> If any of you read Sand and Stardust, this fic is my advanced apology for the fact that chapter 16 is doing to be delayed. Sorry. But on the bright side, this is one of my favorite one shots I've written so...yeah?! Feel free to request prompts on my tumblr (@sayosdreams)  
> __________  
> Please leave a comment (and kudos if you liked it) to let me know what you thought!


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